As I sit here with tears rolling down my face, I feel the need to write. I write things daily, but today is very different. I opened my phone to do my usual social media scrolling while I eat my lunch, but today I didn’t get a chance to click on any of those accounts because I found myself staring at my grandmother. Her picture has been my wallpaper for almost two months now. It was in that moment that I felt like she was telling me “It’s time…” in her own little way. Time for what? Time to finish what I started. Time to push myself out of this space that I’ve been in. Time to follow through and keep my word. Time to use my emotions for good. Time to straighten up. Time to get back on my grind. Time to stop making excuses. Time to work. Time to make her proud!
Back in October I got two devastating blows back to back when I received news about two very important women in my life. I really didn’t know how to handle it so I eventually shut down. All of my creativity went out the window along with my drive to work on my blog or Youtube channel. I still had thoughts, ideas, and information to share, but my mind was all over the place. During this time I eventually stopped training, being active and eating right. It didn’t take long for all of my progress to go down the drain. I tried to push myself, but I just couldn’t do it. Then the feeling of failure came and kicked me while I was already down. That took a toll on me mentally and obviously didn’t help my situation at all.
Three months after receiving the devastating news the unthinkable happened. My grandmother passed away surrounded by her loved ones. I held her hand as she transitioned and I didn’t want to let go. I felt like letting go would be confirmation of what I really didn’t want to accept. I know holding her hand wouldn’t change the fact that she was gone, but it made sense to me in the moment. January 23, 2017 was without a doubt the hardest day of my life. Not only did I lose my grandmother, but we had to go home and deliver the news to our daughters.
The day before she passed she told us that she wanted to get out of the hospital and she wanted to go home. I remember rubbing her hand and telling her that we would get her out of there asap. The last thing she said to me was “Okay” as she shook her head slowly. She got out of there and she did go home, but not to her physical home. I wanted her to be able to walk in her house again. I wanted to be able to stop by and say “Hey Mom-Mom!” as she sat in the chair reading. I wanted to hear her laugh and say “Tee you better leave me alone!” when I made a joke about her. I really wanted those things, but I can’t be selfish. She’s in a much better place where pain and suffering is a thing of the past.
It’s been almost two months and it still doesn’t feel real. I have my moments, but I’ve been trying to stay strong because I know that’s what she would want. When I looked at her picture a little bit ago I heard “It’s time…” She used to always tell us “It’s time to get on the good foot!” and that’s the message I received from her today. It’s time to push forward, take care of myself, invest in myself, get back to what I love and make her proud!
I heard you loud and clear Mom-Mom! I’m on it! I promise!
Operation “GET ON THE GOOD FOOT” has begun!
~Mrs. Accountabilitee
Mrs. Accountabilitee 